Sunday, June 8: With the nation’s airlines catching a lot of turbulence for charging to check a bag or change a reservation, but you knew this was where we were headed—the first airline to charge you according to your weight.
Welcome to Derrie-Air, the world’s only carbon-neutral luxury airline whose marketing motto is: “Pack less. Weigh less. Pay less.” Finally, a forward-thinking airline where you don’t have to choose between the high life and saving the planet. All you have to do is step on a scale during the check-in process, and voila! You’re handed a print-out of how much it will cost you to fly that day. Derrie-Air’s philosophy is quite simple: the more you weigh, the more you pay.
Now that’s my kind of airline. Recently, the Philadelphia Inquirer and Philadelphia Daily News newspapers ran ads for Derrie-Air, trumpeting “great deals” for passengers (provided they weigh their perfect weight, I would imagine). For instance, the cost to fly from Philly to Chicago would be $1.40 per pound, or $1.65 to fly to Miami in my home state of Florida. A cross-continental flight from Philadelphia to Los Angeles was pegged at $2.25 a pound.
It didn’t take long for people to figure out that Derrie-Air was a put-on—a fake airline invented by the Philly newspapers to demonstrate the power of advertising in the Inquirer and Daily News.
Okay, they had me going for awhile, but I wouldn’t be surprised if U.S. airlines—who are hurting financially with huge increases for the price of fuel—start looking for ways to tack on a “weight surcharge” for those boarding beyond their perfect weight. After all, our luggage is weighed prior to boarding. How long will it be until we all have to step on a scale before being handed our boarding passes?
We’ll have to see how it plays out. By the way, do you want to know how I figured that Derrie-Air was bogus? I read their newspaper ad boasting the following language: “Every passenger will be treated like royalty. Every seat will be first class. There will simply be too many extras and treats on our flights to list here, but highlights will include: gorgeous air hosts and hostesses, golden-age Rat Pack films, top-shelf vodka Martinis, on-demand video blackjack, spacious private washrooms outfitted with porcelain fixtures and gilded faucets, gourmet snacks, on-board masseuses, loofah scrubs and, of course, digital cable!”
For someone who routinely flies more than 100,000 miles a year, my response was, “Yeah, right!”